Thoughts for the Spouse Who Does the Finances (and the One Who Doesn’t)

Finding Harmony In & Beyond the Spreadsheet

In many healthy, loving relationships, one person ends up with the bulk of the financial responsibility. They track accounts, think five steps ahead, and worry about how today’s decisions will shape the future. Most of the time this dynamic doesn’t arise because one partner was shirking their duties.

The Psychology of Avoidance

If your spouse avoids money conversations or financial tasks, it’s typically for reasons that have nothing to do with math. They might be primarily present-focused and trust that things will work out because, at least so far, they have. Others who stay on the sidelines are acting out “scripts” inherited from their parents. It isn’t uncommon for matters of money to become inextricably linked to guilt, anxiety, or other emotions. We tend to lump these feelings together under the umbrella term “financial stress”.

When someone is witness to money being used as a tool for manipulation, especially at a young age, they might go to great lengths to avoid using it that way as an adult. Another person may, as Veronica Shoffstall suggests, prefer to use wealth to build their “roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight,” to live (and spend) in the moment.

Whatever the underlying reason, avoidance is often a protective strategy. I can personally vouch for this because there was a time when I was the financially avoidant one in my relationship. Back then, I saw money as something that was interfering with an otherwise perfect life. I believed that my only choices were to do what I loved for a pittance of a paycheck or drag myself begrudgingly, day after day, into a high-salary, low-passion position. I’d decided that, by living well below my means, I could do what I loved and be fiscally responsible. One side effect of this strategy was a strong aversion to thinking (or talking) about money.

Today, I have a completely different, nearly opposite, outlook. Today, I realize how important it is that a couple’s financial plan honors both individual and shared priorities. I’m also keenly aware of how difficult it is to achieve that level of balance when one partner makes the bulk of the decisions.

Too Important to Divide

Couples often end up with an uneven labor split through logical and logistical division. But, as Ramit Sethi points out, “Unlike washing the dishes, money cannot be delegated to one person, because money cuts across everything: where you live, what you eat, what you do for fun, even who you are.” Couples frequently lump finances in when they divvy up the chores, seeing it as akin to doing laundry. One person cleans the clothes, the other merely wears them. He explains that managing money is more like parenting—an undertaking few, if any, would see as something that one person should “handle”.

Sethi takes a clear stand, stating “This is foundational: Both partners must be involved in the family finances.” And, after being on both sides of that fence, I’m inclined to agree. Because, without realizing it, the less-involved spouse has opted out of decisions that are hugely consequential to their life.

Key Barriers

Over time, the friction caused by financial imbalance can lead to what John Gottman calls a “harsh startup.” Couples go into discussions ready to defend themselves, in response to prior conflicts. Unfortunately, when a conversation starts on a negative note, it rarely ends on a positive one. Part of finding relational harmony, when money comes up, is moving away from trying to be “right” or seeing our perspectives and approaches as superior.

It isn’t uncommon for the person who’s more involved with the money to have inadvertently discouraged collaboration (while simultaneously asking for it) when they made the tracking systems and portfolios complex, communicated using financial jargon, or designed mind-bogglingly dense spreadsheets. Once this has happened, shifting the household’s balance of financial power or distribution of duties will likely require a lower bar to entry.

Be Prepared

If you handle the finances, your responsibility goes beyond tracking and planning. You should strive to ensure your loved one is prepared to step in if the unexpected occurs. I used to try to produce a “just in case” document, once a year, but our money moves too fast for static annual records. At times, it was out of date before the ink dried.

My husband and I have developed a few “real-time” tools to help mitigate that issue:

1. The “Living” Net Worth Tracker Instead of a yearly update, we’ve added a net worth calculation to our monthly budget spreadsheet. To do this, it needs to tally up our entire portfolio. As soon as a new account is opened, it’s added. When one is closed, it’s removed. Consequently, my husband can simply open that document, at any time, to see an up-to-date representation of what we have, and where it is.

2. The “Worst Case” Portfolio I remember when I first read about Warren Buffett’s instructions for his estate after he passes. That was the day my husband and I realized that we also needed a “death portfolio”. To put this into practice, one of our brokerage accounts now mirrors my latest thoughts on what that should look like. If something happens to me, everything can easily be moved into that “mini” portfolio, mirroring the current proportions.

This way, my husband doesn’t have to understand my rationale for each investment or be aware of specific exit strategies. He’ll look at that account and instantly know what I’d suggest. Ideally, as a result, he’ll never feel forced to continue my more active investment approach. If I’m being honest, our “RIP” account has a second purpose, to humble me on the months it outperforms others I manage.

Integration

Financial harmony doesn’t mean you both have to love spreadsheets. It’s about ensuring neither of you feels dismissed, left out, or burdened by the responsibilities. Sharing finances isn’t about who updates the budget or debating every small purchase, no matter how insignificant. It’s about making sure you both have a voice, and that you’re identifying joint priorities, creating long-term plans, and co-envisioning your ideal future.

The best marriages aren’t those that bring the ‘perfect couple’ together. They’re the result of two wonderfully ordinary people, learning to navigate their differences and embrace their unique strengths to become a team.

An Opportunity

Moving forward, don’t start with the numbers or the touchy topics that led to trouble in the past. Avoid “drive-by” conversations, in the hallway or while you’re distracted. Instead, set aside time, so that you can give one another your full attention. Begin with your goals and aspirations.

Schedule monthly “money dates” to check in on your budget and financial progress, perhaps over a meal, to turn what was once a source of tension into something you’ll look forward to. Listen to one another’s money stories to discover how your past experiences have shaped your habits and perspectives. Approach them with curiosity and respect.

Apply Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. It turns out that in healthy relationships, couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. I’d go ahead and assume that goes double for money. In light of this, it’s essential that you put time and effort into creating happy money moments and memories.

Very minor changes to your roles and how you approach sensitive conversations can help you find a place where financial responsibility becomes collaborative, strategic, and targeted. Less than a decade ago, talking about money made me queasy. Today, thanks to my amazing husband, wealth is a tool we are using to bring our best life to life.

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