Financial Conflict Can Be Resolved Using These Tactics

Couples don’t always align when it comes to values, priorities, investment risk tolerance, or communication styles. Financial conflict is a common, persistent, and often difficult to resolve issue in intimate relationships.

Partners never line up completely in every area, simply because they’re separate people who’ve lived separate lives. Individual beliefs and behaviors arise from the intersection of our upbringing, age, socio-economic status, professional background, education, personal experiences, social networks, and level of financial literacy. As a result, it’s not unusual for couples to struggle with differences in the ways they think about, and approach, money.

Finance intersects, loops through, and parallels countless areas of our lives, yet couples often avoid having important conversations on the topic. The inability to create a shared vision or resolve ongoing issues may cause tension and conflict, wreaking havoc on financial plans. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires that couples learn to diffuse conflict about, and successfully manage, money.

Challenges and difficulties about money and finances may occur frequently in a romantic relationship. When couples struggle to come to a consensus – whether discussing budgets, large purchases, work-life balance, charitable giving, travel, saving, investing, or legacy planning – their problems often have less to do with money than what it represents to them.

Perhaps this is true because finances impact so many areas of our lives. Major relationship decisions typically have an economic component. More importantly, money is a factor in a substantial portion of our daily choices. Although we tend to focus on the grand moments in life, it is through everyday interaction that the foundations of trust, friendship, and partnership are formed.

Simply pausing to realize money symbolizes different things to different people, and that those beliefs connect to culture, socialization, and personal experience, can alleviate frustration. When couples listen to each other’s stories, they begin to appreciate each other’s perspectives, to discover the world through each other’s eyes.

Engage in Self-Reflection

Contemplating one’s own actions can be both enlightening and may diminish the negative effects of disputes. One reason for this is that it reminds us we are all human, hence capable of acting irrationally with our money. Because behaviors don’t occur in a vacuum, they may or may not reflect our values. There are many elements involved. Our internal scripts may contradict each other, driving us simultaneously in opposing directions or creating paralysis. External forces often have a greater influence over what we do than we are conscious of or would prefer to admit.

Manage Emotions

To effectively communicate our needs and feelings, we must first become self-aware. Becoming more present, more mindful of one’s mental and physical states has many benefits. Increased emotional awareness can be achieved through the practice of various techniques. One such tactic involves noticing the onset of feelings which have previously led to flooding or frustration. Once these indicators have been identified, we can begin developing more effective emotional self-regulation.

To honor our feelings, we may need to step away, breathe deeply, or engage in other forms of self-care. Having a greater recognition of our emotional states promotes mindful communication and healthy boundary setting, paving the way to request what we need from our partner.

Align Behavior with Values

Our wants are intentionally, and unintentionally, steered as we drive by billboards, navigate stores, notice our neighbors’ new toys (the desire to keep up with the Joneses), and catch up on celebrity gossip (the desire to keep up with the Kardashians). Others’ responses to us shape the way we see ourselves, what is expected of us, and what is appropriate.

Daily interactions with friends, family, and colleagues create all kinds of ideas about what we should think, how we should behave, and what we should spend our money on, which may or may not reflect our values or personal priorities. It’s important that before we determine goals and create plans with our partner, we ensure we’ve aligned our own financial behaviors with our genuine self, our core values.

Seek Common Ground

Couples may have different, even opposing values, beliefs, or habits. For instance, it is not uncommon for a couple to have disparities in their comfort with or willingness to take risks. This gap may result from unequal levels of financial literacy, reflect personality traits, or be the after-effect of past experiences. Learning to navigate this type of difference enhances intimate relationships. Having different views, strengths, and skills often creates balance in couples.

In this situation, both may benefit provided the riskier partner realizes the value of exercising caution while the more cautious partner learns to take leaps – under certain circumstances. If, in the end, the distinction is causing too much anxiety, couples might decide to allocate a portion of their portfolio to each priority.

Cultivate Healthy Communication

Eventually, greater awareness can lead to more positive and productive interactions with our partner. We’re able to listen more attentively, less likely to judge their thoughts, and more curious about their ideas. Learning to set aside our differences can lead to a deeper understanding of one another and feeling more connected. Ideally, each partner will reach a place where they can contemplate, and propose, solutions without creating or exacerbating financial conflict.

Constructive communication about money is only possible when each partner trusts that they can share information and feels heard and respected when they do. Fostering constructive conversation requires skills which can be practiced and improved upon.

Ultimately, couples need to be able to work together, as a team, to come to agreements and create shared visions. This begins by building a foundation of trust, honesty, and friendship. Knowing what we truly want, and communicating it in ways that are likely to be well received, increases the chances that our partner will be receptive to our perspectives, positions, and proposals.

Carve a Path Forward

For couples, being able to come together to tackle issues about money and create a unified, comprehensive financial plan is essential. Moving past conflict is often the first step toward making sound financial decisions collectively. Before a couple can come to a consensus, each partner must first be able to articulate their individual values and priorities. Increased awareness through introspection, mindfulness, and communicating more effectively can shed light on, reduce, and eventually eliminate sources of persistent financial frustration.

Use these tactics to diffuse the tension around (or overcome the temptation to avoid) conversations about money. A few key cognitive and behavioral shifts can have a tremendous impact, opening the door to acceptance, mutual respect, and greater relational harmony, carving a path toward financial stability.

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